


The breaking of your soul upon my lips

by firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin



Series: Monsta X sunny summer fic bingo [3]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Monsta X Bingo, Poetry, References to Depression, Slam Poetry, Stream of Consciousness, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 09:58:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7753213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin/pseuds/firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody could really remember a time when they weren’t together, when they weren’t so close. It was almost impossible to even think about it. None of their friends could imagine one without each other. None of their families could see one without the other. They were always together, always with each other, always <i>loving</i> each other ― until they weren’t anymore.</p><p><b>alternatively:</b> three times Jooheon pretends to be Gun’s boyfriend and one time he doesn’t</p>
            </blockquote>





	The breaking of your soul upon my lips

**Author's Note:**

> #3 PROMPT: Fake Dating AU  
> title comes from _As Is The Sea Marvelous_ , from E.E. Cummings
> 
> Heey people \o  
> so, my third prompt for the bingo was fake dating, and I decided to do something different this time  
> thanks to my sister ~~hELLO THERE SATAN~~ this ended up being A LOT more angsty than my first idea ~~oh, well, c'est la vie~~
> 
> ALSO, read the notes at the end ― they're important  
> I'm not really sure about what to say now lol I'm kind of sorry, but I'm not? ~~it's hard to tell~~  
>  It's a story being told in poetry form.
> 
> Hope you like it! :D  
> PS.: English isn't my mother tongue. Sorry for any mistake made!

**Jooheon’s six when**

his mother tells him

he’ll have

a baby brother

And he’s worried

and he wants

to be alone

because he thinks

his parents will leave him

And he meets Gunhee

in a cold october day

when the wind blows

and the leaves creak

and Jooheon cries behind

the trees

Gunhee’s friendly

and curious

and he says

having a brother

won’t be so bad

because he has

an older sister

and he loves her

with all his heart

just like she

loves him

And it’s the first time

since the news

that Jooheon smiles

and feels like

he can trust

someone.

 

**Jooheon’s twelve when**

the boys in his class

start making fun of Bora

because she’s strange

and she wears long

sleeves and

too little makeup

and she can’t

wear a lipstick

that matches with

her skin

And he doesn’t understand

and they laugh at him

and Gun tries to make him

feel better

and says he’ll try and

stop them ―

but Bora cries behind the gym

and Jooheon can’t understand

how people can be so cruel

and he tries to tell her

that she’s beautiful

and Bora screams at him

and says he doesn’t understand

and she leaves

and never comes back.

Gun says it’s not his fault

and Jooheon’s still trying to

believe him.

 

**Jooheon’s fourteen when**

he falls in love for the first time

or maybe notices it for

the first time

Because Gunhee has

a beautiful smile

and doesn’t laugh at him

when Jooheon tries to rap

Because Gunhee has

beautiful hands

and soft fingers

and doesn’t try to push him

away

when Jooheon hugs him

and asks for cuddles

in a high-pitched voice

Gunhee has the beautiest eyes

and the voice that calms down

all of Jooheon’s demons

and all he wished he could do

was to hold him closer

and hug him longer

and never

ever

leave.

 

**Jooheon’s sixteen when**

Gunhee asks him to be his boyfriend

for the first time

but not as

 _the_ boyfriend

just _one_ boyfriend

Because there’s a girl in his class

you know

that girl that won’t leave him

alone anymore

and Gunhee wants her to stop

And so he asks Jooheon

to be his fake date

and hold his hands

and kiss his cheeks

when everyone’s looking

because he doesn’t have

the heart to tell her

that he wants nothing with her

so it’ll be easier

if he says

he has a boyfriend

And Jooheon’s heart sinks

because he wants it to be

real

and not just

a joke

to stop

someone’s crush

But Gunhee’s has pleading eyes

and throws the card

of bestest best friend

in the whole damn world

and Jooheon can’t say no

to that face

And so he holds his hands

and kisses his cheeks

and hugs him from behind

calling him “Gun-ah”

in a sickening sweet

voice and

pretending that it doesn’t

kill him

inside.

 

**Jooheon’s nineteen when**

Gunhee rushes to his side

and kisses him

for the first time

because there was a creepy

following him around

during all the night

and Gunhee’s scared

and doesn’t want to be alone

and so Jooheon holds him

and pretends to be

his boyfriend

for the second time

And when his friends ask

why they didn’t tell them

about being together

he lets Gunhee laugh

against his neck

his breath warm and

familiar ―

because the answer

never comes

and they keep pretending

because Gunhee doesn’t know

and Jooheon won’t ever tell him

that in the cold october day

they met

he was already falling

And only Gunhee could

drag him back.

 

**Jooheon’s twenty one when**

they get a new name

to their friendship

and people call them

“boyfriends”

and Gunhee calls them

“friends with benefits”

and Jooheon calls himself

a liar

because his heart pounds

and his hands tremble

and all he wants

is to hold Gunhee

and never let him go away

again

And so he pretends

that their kisses don’t hurt him

and the nights they spend

in each other’s beds

doing things

he only dreamed about

and thought about

in his delusional mornings

about love

don’t crush him

And he pretends

his heart doesn’t break

when Gunhee lets him

for other people

and his friends ask

if he doesn’t get mad

Jooheon just shrugs

and gives them a fake smile

to be a pair for his fake boyfriend

and his fake attitude

and says

“I’m not the jealous type”

pretending that

his heart doesn’t hurt

when Gunhee gets back home

tasting like

someone else’s lips.

 

**Jooheon’s twenty three when**

Gunhee’s mother asks him

if he plans on proposing

and he completely

freaks out

because everybody believes

in a love that doesn’t

quite exists

and everybody thinks

that they’re together

and he can’t take it

anymore

because it hurts

and he’s tired

And so he tells her

he doesn’t know

and pretends

it’s not the third time

he plays the card

fake boyfriend

for a friend

that doesn’t seem

to know him at all

Because Gunhee lets him

alone all night

and comes back

in the morning

smelling like alcohol

and giggling

high as hell

if not with someone else

and they never talk

like they did before

And Jooheon’s tired of pretending

that it’s not hurting

and that he doesn’t

feel anything

when they lock their fingers

and press their lips together

he’s tired of pretending

that he’s not in love

with his best friend

But he drinks too much

and talks too little

and he tells Gunhee

in a lot of rambled words

about his confused love

about his awkward feelings

and his aching heart

And Gunhee thinks

Jooheon’s pretending again

and just playing

and he laughs

and tells him to stop it

Not noticing at all

how many times

he managed to break

Jooheon’s heart

in a spam of

half-said words

and talks

never shared

because he needs to go

he has a date

and Jooheon’s joke

won’t stop him.

 

**Jooheon’s twenty four when**

Gunhee finds a boyfriend

a new ( _real_ ) boyfriend

and breaks up

what they never had

And he pretends his lips

doesn’t taste like

the salt of his tears

when they fuck for the last time

because it wasn’t love

it was never love

and it didn’t matter how many times

he tried to say

and tried to believe

it really mattered

Gunhee never noticed

and if he did

he never believed

or never cared

And Jooheon’s heart aches

inside his chest

because there’s not a place

to call home anymore

His brother’s a grown-up man

who’s going to marry and

make a family

for himself

and he doesn’t need to

be spoiled

by his older brother

who can barely

cook for himself

His family doesn’t need him

anymore

to be the joke-y one

because they have

grandchildren and

new people to care about

His friends are all confused

because they don’t know

what’s happening

and they think

he did something wrong

and Gunhee’s making

bad decisions to

try and stop

his supposed pain

and calm down his

fake broken heart

And Jooheon lets them

because he never wanted anyone

to get hurt

or to be

forgotten

or blamed

for his mistakes of

hoping too high

and loving too much

even if it means

that he’ll be

left alone

again.

 

**Jooheon’s twenty five and**

he doesn’t feel a thing

anymore

because his body’s all numb

and his phone’s ringing

non-stop

inside his pockets

because his friends are

all worried

and he didn’t sleep

for five days straight

and he can’t keep

the food inside

his stomach

because when he tries

it tastes like ashes

and he can’t think

properly

because the world spins around him

and his head feels funny

and his hands are shaking

when his legs can’t keep him standing

anymore

and he’s tired

of feeling numb

But now he understands

why Bora yelled at him

and why his classmates

all laughed at him

and why Gunhee never

quite believed

in his love

And he hates himself

for keeping it

after all this time

Instead of burying it

like he did

with his _pride._

**Author's Note:**

> SO, I made 4 people read it before I was sure about the story ~~hello Satan, hello Wibie, hello Bela, hello Audrey~~ and 3/4 of them said a thing I didn't think about while writing; that's how it ended up being rated "mature" (there's not a warning about it because it WASN'T my intention, and, if I put it there, it'll seem like I did, so, I choose not to mark anything)
> 
> Jooheon DID NOT kill himself in the end ― not in my head, at least. The whole thing was all about depression and love, about keeping secrets, keeping feelings and eventually losing hope. I wasn't trying to imply that he's going to commit suicide. Maybe he is. Maybe he's not. Honestly, I don't really know. ~~maybe I will; if so, I'll probably write more; if not, it ends this way~~
> 
> I'm the kind of person that believes there's always hope, even when we can't see nor feel it ― that there's always a way, even in our darkest moments, even when we think there's nowhere to run anymore.
> 
> I believe Jooheon didn't kill himself ― but that's your call to do.
> 
> Any question/request/desire to talk about anything, you can contact me here, [ tumblr](http://firewasntmadetobeheldinhumanskin.tumblr.com/), [ twitter](https://twitter.com/notmadetobeheld) or [ curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/notmadetobeheld) :3


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